Fearing Success

I have been terrified of success, not what it would bring me, like financial security, but the fear of the jealousy of those from my past. The negativity from others I may or may not acknowledge along the way. The hate that may come. Let me explain. 

I am sure that someone reading this knows someone who has become successful, or for easier understanding you are the person who has succeeded in some dream you had, and there is always that person or persons who try to take the credit for your success. That individual who you may no longer even have in your life. A teacher from junior high or college professor, an old friend or co-worker, an ex-lover, ex-spouse, and yes even your parents. 

For example… You have become a renowned master electrician and in high school you learned how to conduct electricity in science class. You astounded your science teacher with your quick understanding of AC/DC currents and the negative/positive wire connections, etc. Your interest is now piqued, you begin to study everything electrical and after graduating you go to a technical school and get your certification and begin your ascent to the master electrician you are today. You now have a thriving business. Now that teacher back in that science class tells everyone you are the success you are because he taught you about electricity. He introduced you to the path you are on. If it wasn't for him you would not be where you are today. You understand? 

That teacher did not make you. He did instruct a class you excelled in and he can be proud of that and who you became, but that is where it ends. He cannot take credit for where you are now in life. He did not take your hand through all the stages and tests for certifications, you did that. You studied, you pushed forward, you became who you are through your journey and he was just part of your journey. 

The same goes for a parent. A parent can be the best mom or dad ever, and have a child that just does not excel, or horrible parents can raise a child who becomes a doctor. I have heard parents talk about their daughter becoming a nurse, and how they made that. If it wasn't for them she wouldn't be where she is. Yes you made the woman standing before you but she became a nurse because she busted her butt and was driven to accomplish that. You may have given her the sturdy foundation and support she needed to achieve that goal but that was not your goal, not your achievement, that is hers. 

I use a couple of these examples and could go on and on, but I feel you understand what I am trying to get across. 

So let us circle back to the first thing I wrote above. I have been terrified of success, of real financial freedom. I have felt that some of the people from my past would resent me so much that I could not possibly allow myself to become who I was destined to be. 

I used so many excuses for so very many years of why I did not succeed earlier in my life. Lack of parental support, got married, had children, got divorced, single mom, remarried, another baby, another divorce, oh the cycle. When I had the ability to be successful I trusted the wrong people, I failed myself yet I blamed them. It took years to understand that I did what I did out of fear of being successful and finally took responsibility for how I failed. Yes trust was misplaced, but I also did not check what was going on and when I did see it was too late to redirect the course. Had I been more aware I would have redirected and severed what needed severing, but apparently I had not yet learned my lessons. And there were a lot of lessons I was failing. So let's fast forward.

I began writing years ago in high school. I loved poetry and wrote many little poems through the years, even having one published in a book. I began writing my own book in 2008. I was trying to process trauma in my life and spilled out so much hate into what I was writing. I would step away from the book many times through the years, going back to college in my forties, moving across the country, changing careers again for the umpteenth time. Finally I reached a point in my life to finish my book. I rewrote the beginning of the book a few times as I grew more spiritually and realized the hate wasn't there like it was years before. I had started studying many religious theories and practices and realized I not only was good with the tarot but I was a natural healer, a palmist, and a medium. I stepped into these roles and felt comfortable. But I was afraid to really be in them and help others because of people saying they did this or that for me, they taught me this or that, they introduced me to this or that therefore I would not be where I was without them. I did not want that negativity to over shadow me again. So I put my fears first, again. I finally finished my book in 2025, regardless of that fear. Then I feared if I published it, I would get backlash, if I actually made money from it or God forbid it became a hit novel. Then I realized that doesn't matter. It's only fear. But fear is powerful and we tend to feed it, and it stays hungry. Yes, my success may upset some people, and let me add success is not just financial, it is also the accomplishment of finishing something. It may spark jealousy. It may create friction and usually it is because you finished something someone else may have only talked about. If that is the case, oh well. I must shrug my shoulders and move forward. I cannot control how others think or their actions. This has been a big lesson to learn. 

I must be who I am becoming and follow my gut. I must become the published author I have always wanted to be. I must dive deeper into my writing, my spiritual side, my light, my peace and my own internal magic. 

What I am trying to say in a round about way is, that therapist that said the right thing at the right time to help you begin to heal, is not allowed to take credit for your healing journey, only for sparking it. That person who introduced you to finger painting, cannot take credit for the masterpieces that you made years later. Your talent for painting and your consistent work made you a success. Your personal trainer cannot take credit for you accomplishing that triathlon, you pushed, you trained and your heart and soul crossed that finish line. Own what you have created. Thank those along the way who sparked something in you, who introduced you to something you fell in love with, who showed you how to mix a few colors, only if you feel the need to, but do not allow anyone to claim your success. Those who are true teachers stand back and applaud you. Those who sat with you and taught you any craft should be proud of where you took that knowledge. How you grew it, refined it and made it your own. 

Do not let the fears of others, their insecurities or their lost dreams, influence your path to success. We are all growing and I hope anyone I have ever worked with took something I said or taught them and turned that into part of their journey toward their success. 

I published that book and will publish more. I will teach, guide and expand on my spiritual journey speaking my voice, my truth. I will no longer fear what has not yet happened. I welcome success and happiness.

Haters will hate and negativity will try to sabotage you. Embrace it all. 

Remember the designer of your house did not make it a home, you did that.

© 2026 L.L. Perkins